News that Vexes

News that Vexes

It's so tiresome to read 'new studies' that reveal Smoking, Stress or Obesity are Bad for you. Yet these studies appear all the time. It's time to take back the newswire from so-called Scientists!

Thursday, October 31, 2019

Shocker - if you offer me less of something I buy less of it

Today's News that Vexes is brought to you by the otherwise reputable journal Nature.  Here we go folks - hold on to your forks: "Even meat lovers go veggie when plant-heavy meals abound"

Basically if you offer more vegetarian options, people will order more vegetarian food.  Somehow, reading this article actually made me feel dumber.

The deets: the "scientists" went to a cafeteria and doubled the number of vegetarian options while reducing the number of meat options by a third.  So, there were fewer meaty options and twice as many vegetarian options, like "wild mushroom, roasted butternut squash and sun blushed tomato risotto with parmesan"  - by the way what is SUN-BLUSHED TOMATO?  ("Aw shucks Mr. Sun, I'm blushing," said no tomato ever).  

Anyway, in this significantly less-carnivorous environment, people ordered less meat.  Someone is actually getting a PhD for this staggering 'research'.  Congratulate PhD candidate Emma Garnett at Cambridge by dropping her a note!

Ready for a mind-blower?  If you remove ALL the meat options, there is a very good chance [research still needed though] that people will actually buy zero meat options and buy only vegetarian options.   I should get a PhD in vexation!

Friday, March 15, 2019

A refreshing change - good news! And of course it's about cheese!

Among our millions of readers are many eagle-eyed news trackers who are constantly on the lookout for influential news stories for News That Vexes.  Though Smoking is still Bad and Exercise is still Good, you may want to be more discerning in your future cheese purchases.  Specifically, what music was your cheese exposed to while it was aged?

In some hard-hitting new research, it seems that cheese exposed to hip-hop tastes better.  Not that the cows were exposed to hip-hop, but rather the bacteria in the cheese prefers hip-hop.  

Some of you might think this research is insane. Far from it - this research was done by veterinarian (Wait, did you say veterinarian?  Yes, we did) BEAT WAMPFLER.  Sadly his email address isn't available at press time, so congratulatory emails aren't possible at the moment.  Luckily, the 'scientific support' for the experiment was provided by Dr. Michael Harenberg - who also provided this unintentionally hilarious quote:

"We were overwhelmed," says Professor Michael Harenberg who provided the scientific support for the experiment. "At first I thought it was a typical Swiss reaction because cheese plays such a big cultural role here in Emmental. But even journalists from South Africa approached us for interviews and information."

Some possibly bad news for Dr. Harenberg - journalists don't want to talk to you because of your cheese, they want to know if you actually have coherent thoughts and can speak in complete sentences.

Thanks and a tip of the hat to our legions of readers who submitted this important news story.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

James Bond - Vexing, not Stirred.

Today's annoyance comes from the Medical Journal of Australia - a journal that sounds prestigious, doesn't it?  In case the original research is too complicated for you, gentle reader, it's summarized in this high quality(?) Washington Post article.  The fact that this hard-hitting science reportage appears in the "Entertainment" section of the paper perhaps tells you something about its scholarship.

So to save you time, some scientist - I use the term loosely - has analyzed the drinking behavior of a certain British Secret Service Agent named Bond - James Bond.  It turns out HE DRINKS TOO MUCH.

Sample tidbits: 
Bond had a “severe” and “chronic” drinking problem — and he performed some pretty risky maneuvers while under the influence of alcohol.  “Chronic risks include frequently drinking prior to fights, driving vehicles (including in chases), high-stakes gambling, operating complex machinery or devices, contact with dangerous animals, extreme athletic performance and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed,” lead author Nick Wilson said in a statement.

Want to congratulate the lead author Nick Wilson?  Drop him a note here.  Australians embarrassed by the true absurdity of this research can take heart knowing it actually from a university in New Zealand.  On the other hand, this study (again it's hard to keep a straight face when calling this a study) won first place in the Medical Journal of Australia’s Christmas competition.

Who will be the first to tell author Nick Wilson that Bond is a fictional character?  I'd wait until after Christmas because he may doubt the existence of Santa if he finds out there's no James Bond.