Important Candy Research!

Here at News That Vexes, we enjoy candy.  Why?  Because we're human.  We're not AI - yet - though we suspect some of our readers may be.

So of course the burning question I'm sure we've all wondered is, "Should we eat all the candy?  Or save some for later?"  Yes, thinking about THIS is the reason you've been kept up at night your whole life - and especially the days after Easter and Halloween... (hey, that's now!)

At last, highly paid, greatly respected researchers have finally tackled this burning issue. Check out this article - no paywall - Candy: Is it healthier to eat it all at once or to enjoy it slowly for weeks? 

Though the whole article is Vex-maxxing, (We're hip to the kids' lingo), this is probably my favorite line in the article, since it appears the "scientist" seems to be trolling themself!  Perhaps it's a ploy to be nominated for an IgNobel prize next year?  

Unsurprisingly, scientists haven’t studied this question directly, said Nicola Guess, a dietitian and metabolic health researcher at the University of Oxford, so “it’s a real conundrum.”

Frankly, I'm too dumb to understand if Dr. Guess is serious or not.  Like when she says, "Unsurprisingly, scientists haven't studied this question directly", is she [correctly] implying this question is too trivial to even ask?  Basically, Dr. Guess says cronching candy can lead you down a perilous path:

The main risk of having small, daily doses of candy is that it could turn into a habit that ratchets up your added sugar and calorie consumption, Dr. Guess said.

Candy is the new meth I suppose.   In the other corner of this hard-hitting debate is UC Davis professor Dr. Kimber Stanhope:

Some people might prefer to eat more of their haul at once, ... That’s asking your body to handle more sugar than it’s really built for, said Kimber Stanhope, a research nutritional biologist at the University of California, Davis.

YOU DON'T SAY.  For some bonkers reason our research has shown that Dr. Kimber Stanhope is actually from the school of veterinary medicine at UC Davis.  Here's a tip Dr. Stanhope: don't feed chocolate to dogs, no matter what hard-hitting research you're pursuing.

Extreme shocker: the worst thing would be to eat ALL your candy EVERY DAY!  In other words, the worst of both worlds (or would it be the best?)

The greatest concern would be consuming something like five ounces of candy on a daily basis for a couple of weeks, Dr. Stanhope said.

Feel free to congratulate Dr. Guess and Dr. Stanhope for making it into the annals of News That Vexes. And send all your candy to us here at the N.T.V. news desk. It's for your own good.

Actual news story: "Study finds shouting may stop gulls stealing food"

 Today's news story is so mind-blowing that I wasn't sure it was real.  But yes, dear reader, it IS.  

Study finds shouting may stop gulls stealing food

[Researchers] played either a recording of a male voice shouting the words "no, stay away, that's my food", the same voice speaking those words or the birdsong of a robin.

They tested a total of 61 gulls across nine seaside towns in Cornwall and found nearly half of those exposed to the shouting voice flew away within a minute. In contrast, 70% of gulls exposed to the robin song stayed near the food for the duration of the experiment.

So if I understand this correctly, yelling at birds makes them go away?  This is important new information for those of us who enjoy eating french fries outdoors, which, let's face it, is everyone.

This amazing research is brought to you by "scientist" Dr Neeltje Boogert.  Click the link to thank her and congratulate her on making it into News That Vexes.

Truly a Miracle: Plant-Based Rice!

 One of our astute readers sent us this.  But wait!  Wouldn't MEAT-BASED Rice be even more Keto and Paleo friendly??